I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My bed smells like the plague
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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