Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
