Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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