Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
