Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
