It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
