Too much gin, very little bucket
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
