I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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