I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
