Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
