"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Come see our sink grown plant.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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