Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
