Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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