I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
