Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
