Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
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Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
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I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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