Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
