these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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