i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
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He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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