Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
