I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
