someone threw a dead crab at me
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize