All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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