she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
