You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I want to make a zoo with you.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
