And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
