I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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