so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
