Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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