you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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