Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
