Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
