3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm lost and stupid without you.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
