so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
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I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
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Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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