It's like God shit irony all over that family
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
