last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
