Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
