Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
