omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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