i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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