I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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