my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
