Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Ladies don't puke and tell
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
