I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
