I puked a lego.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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