allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i will never coherently bang her
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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