So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
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Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
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One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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