forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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