If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
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Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
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When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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