i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Holy sore nipples Batman
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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