Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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