OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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