i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
