508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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