i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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