So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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